Monthly Archives: April 2015


Hi Sandra

Thanks for putting me onto The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.

Even though I have been reading your bully blogs this book gave me an added awakening and also to have a New Zealand connection in the book was a bit of a reality check.

My son has finished school and is in the workforce yet he is being bullied. I always assumed it was a kid’s thing so he was on his own with this for a year.

Your blogs show it’s not and so does all the other websites I’ve been on. Thanks for the links.

We finally validated our son’s feelings of despair last night which was long overdue, in a meeting which involved his Employer who thought something was wrong at work but was waiting for our son to talk to him. Thankfully, in this case, he had never been fooled by the Bully but knew he had a following in the workplace and was ostracizing our son but was not aware of the severity. In our case the situation is manageable, as it’s been brought to his attention.

Thanks again for your help.

You have my permission to include this in your blog.


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Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S


My son fathered a child when he was twenty years old.

The girl involved moved away with her parents and now fifteen years later the mother and her daughter have moved back into our town and the girl is attending the same school as his children. They all look very similar so the connection will be made soon as everyone knew my son and the mother were going together for quite a long time.

His wife asked him whether he was the father many years ago after she heard rumours but he denied paternity and she believed him.

This woman should never have brought this girl back into our town and I believe she is here to make trouble.

How does he tell his wife and make her realize he was trying to protect her?



Aunty S responds:



I am not a fan of lies, deception and family secrets as they have a way of hurting innocent folk such as your daughter-in-law, as in this case, when exposed.

With the added information supplied, you should be proud of the way the mother of your eldest granddaughter has worked and cared for her throughout these years with absolutely no emotional or financial support from your son and she has every reason to move back to her home town so your theory she has done this to make trouble sounds rather far-fetched to me.

Now back to your son; at the end of the day, your son lied to his wife.

He did not lie to protect her; he lied to protect himself.

Your son should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for denying paternity and he better hope and pray his wife forgives him as she will obviously be devastated to find out she has been lied too.

Give your son a boot up his bottom if he drags his heels in telling her; for along with his wife there are precious young people caught up in his deceit and they need to hear from him and him alone that they have an older sister not from anybody else. They are going to have many questions and he needs to be honest with them.

No time to shilly-shally!

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Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

My daughter’s work colleagues are mainly middle-aged women, and are bullying her.

Every night my daughter is in tears and tells me she wants to quit but I have insisted on her returning as she worked hard for the position she is in. To see her go from a confident young woman to an emotional wreck is hard to watch.

One of the women was passed over for her job, which is why they taunt, tease and threaten her on a daily basis. They say it’s only a matter of time before she is fired.

Her doctor has put on Prozac for the short term and says she needs to see a Counsellor to help empower her.

I have always said it was a bad idea but now I realize how desperate she is.

I don’t know how to help her and feel I have let her down.

What do you think?


Aunty S responds

Don’t be too hard on yourself my dear; you are obviously a caring and concerned Mum or you wouldn’t have written to me.

Your daughter’s Doctor is a wise man; he is handling the situation correctly as Prozac should only ever be used as a short-term fix, never as a way of life.

I’m afraid these dreadful women (bullies) have tipped your daughter over the edge, but she will gain the confidence to regain control of her life, with the assistance of a good Counsellor and the love and support of her family.

Personally I would rather work with a pack of wolves than a bunch of vicious middle-aged women.

Listen to your daughter, validate her feelings and support whatever decisions she makes.

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Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

When I began reading your old posting of a young man who stayed with you to recuperate after being bullied, I realized I had to share our story with you.

When our son left school he worked for an older man who bullied him everyday.

His father and I told him he was in the real world now and if he wanted to finish his apprenticeship he would have to take it. He walked off the job much to our disappointment after five months.

We never spoke to him for several years as his employer was a friend and he told us of how he gave him many chances even though he was belligerent and lazy at work. We felt so ashamed.  We never doubted his word.

Five years later we found out he had driven a new apprentice to the brink of suicide after our son left and all other apprentices or workers had only lasted a few months. They all had been horrifically bullied.

We were devastated that we had been lied to.

We made contact with our son and apologized and thankfully he has forgiven us but we have wasted so many years being angry with him when it wasn’t his fault.

When we sat down and finally listened to him as to what happened, we were shocked; the bullying started from day one on the job and was an everyday occurrence. His employer would scream abuse over anything; if he couldn’t find a tool, it was my sons fault and would shoulder charge him and scream into his ear that he was useless just like his father. The list goes on. The hardest one to listen to was when he described how he would play practical jokes on him endangering his life on many occasions.

I hope other parents read this and will listen to their son’s if they talk of being bullied in the workplace.

Our son survived with no help from us and some days I can hardly live with myself for what I did to my son. My husband’s guilt brought on a heart attack and he often cries with shame.

Everything you wrote about a bully is so true.


Aunty S responds


Sadly, since first broaching the subject of bullying a year ago, I have heard many similar stories.

Thank you my dear for sharing your story and your son’s story. I acknowledge how hard it would have been to put this into print.

Six years ago workplace bullying was never mentioned so you were in the dark as to how manipulative a ‘bully’ employer could be.

Of course, through your naivety, you let your son down but you have a second chance; some parents do not.

I can only imagine the guilt you are living with.

But let’s take a good look at the situation.

From where I am sitting, it appears all three of you were victims.

Yes your son suffered the most but he was courageous and walked.   On his own, he convinced another employer in the same trade, to take him on so he could complete his apprenticeship. How proud you must be of him.

You were lied to and manipulated by your friend into believing the worst of your son. An excellent bullying tactic!

Only time will heal your hearts but try hard to forgive yourselves; your son has.

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Barbara Coloroso Quotes

“Compliant children are very easily led when they are young, because they thrive on approval and pleasing adults. They are just as easily led in their teen years, because they still seek the same two things: approval and the pleasing their peers. Strong-willed children are never easily led by anybody–not by you, but also not by their peers. So celebrate your child’s strength of will throughout the early years…and know that the independent thinking you are fostering will serve him well in the critical years to come.”


“If we parents accept that problems are an essential part of life’s challenges, rather than reacting to every problem as if something has gone wrong with the universe that’s supposed to be perfect, we can demonstrate serenity and confidence in problem solving for our kids….By telling them that we know they have a problem and we know they can solve it, we can pass on a realistic attitude as well as empower our children with self-confidence and a sense of their own worth.”

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How to combat a Bully

First off there is no magic wand, which can be waved in the direction of a bully to make them disappear.

So totally unfair!! 

But trust me you can shut a bully down; it just takes time.

First off, you must have a sense of humour to survive the ordeal.


As the bully’s main aim is to discredit and humiliate you, you mustn’t isolate yourself; you will need support from time to time.

Inform a few close friends, neighbours as to what is going on.

As many are reluctant to admit they are being bullied out of embarrassment and shame, you must remember at all times this isn’t your shame; it is the shame of the bullies.

If the bullies come onto your property to intimidate, contact the Police and have a Trespass Order placed on them.

Be prepared for the bullies to respond by having one placed back on you!

This sounds bizarre but it is a common bully tactic.

Document everything. If you are being cyber-bullied as well, print out all correspondence and keep it in a file.

This includes emails, voice messages, txt messages, etc.…

Remember you can fight back without coming into contact with the bully.

Never engage with the bully.

Totally blank them.

They will try everything in their power to goad you, as they desperately need a reaction for their own sick gratification.

Give them nothing.

The old adage, ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ is not relevant when dealing with a bully.

This is such a silly saying as words destroy people’s lives.

Furthermore intimidation and broken bones are a Police and Court matter.

With lies and harassment, it’s only a Civil matter.

As bullies lack a mature conscience, and seem only to be restrained by fear of being exposed or of damage to their projected reputation, it is vital their lies are countered, and countered they will be.

It takes time to unravel a bully but it can be done and it is the actions of the bully themselves, which creates their downfall.

This is where ‘evidence ‘ comes in to play.


As bullies use stand-over tactics, stalking, lying, harassing, intimidation, discrediting, innuendo, chicken on the road, cyber bullying, to name a few; you have three lines of defence in combating them.

Security cameras, Voice Activated Pocket Notetaker and a Go Pro camera.
An example of when a Go Pro is used:

A friend of mine was being bullied and ‘his bully’ would ride along the perimeter of his property which bordered my friends land; on a regular basis; so as to goad my friend by intimidating, screaming abuse, and continually using vulgar gestures; never for a minute realizing the contraption on my friend’s head was a Go Pro.

The bullies (there were two) were shocked when they finally worked out it was a Go Pro video camera with audio.

Two of the bullies’ bystanders were invited to a video evening, which my friend set up, to show those interested, what the bullies were up too. As they had been cleverly manipulated, he felt no anger towards them.

It was a night of revelations and apologies as a Go Pro and Security Cameras definitely show the true character of a bully.

The bullies have now retreated but when they resurface my friend and I will be ready for them! I doubt there will be any bystanders next time as they have well and truly cooked their goose.

You may wonder why the bullies targeted my friend.

They were caught thieving and vandalizing my friend’s property by a third party so in their wisdom, blamed my friend for the third party finding out!!

The bullies knew they would lose credibility in their community so without a rational thought between them; they attacked my friend and his family.

As is the case with most bullies, they had a ‘bullying history’ and more and more folk came out of the woodwork with their own personal stories of being bullied by them.

Only one thing worse than a young bully is an old bully as they have experience on their side.

This is one example of a bully in action and the strength of a man and his family in exposing them as the liars and bullies they were.


Now more on the other two lines of defence:
A voice activated Pocket Notetaker is used to record any rant from the bully whether it be in person, over the phone or over the fence.

Slip it in your pocket or just hold it in your hand; if the bully is in full flight, he won’t even notice it.

Just remember to push record.

And don’t engage with them; let them rant!

Your silence will show their true colours.


Security cameras are used to record your bully trespassing or committing acts of vandalism on your property.

They also record any stalking and indecent gestures.


I have hundreds of stories of folk being bullied on my computer files and every single one is devastating.

Some folk have lost everything, some have lost jobs, some have lost spouses, some have been driven into deep depression as they simply saw no way of stopping the bully/bullies.

I can assist you in working out a non-violent plan to shut down a bully.

So give me a ring or flick me an email and we’ll get the ball rolling.

You are not alone.

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