Monthly Archives: October 2014








rose border

More on Grief

Grief affects folk in many different ways and the way it really affected me was by taking away my writing creativity.

Words no longer flowed.

I was stifled by grief.

I wasn’t depressed; just sad in my grief for my husband of twenty years.

Paper and pen (MacBook) was cast aside in the hope that my creative juices would flow if I wasn’t constantly picking up the damn machine.

Then blow me down; my Mum died eleven weeks after Alex.

Doubtless to say this helped contribute to my soulless writing even further.

Then unbeknown to me, Sam and Ruby designed a ‘blog’ for me over a year ago and they then proceeded to tell me that I needed to get back up on the horse.

As this horse had well and truly bolted in my mind, just to humour them and to keep the peace I obliged, after first asking, “So what’s a blog kids?”

Today I am still stumbling along but feel closer to my old self more and more as each week passes.

Thanks kids; I love you.




rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

I have just finished reading about the grumpy old parents who by the way should be ashamed of themselves so I thought I’d tell of my problem. It’s not my parent or parents; it’s my kids.

I’m a widow and live in a huge beachfront property which is far too big for me these days since my husband died.
I am very lonely and desperately want to sell and move to where I can visit restaurants, take in Shows, shop and enjoy the company of my friends.
I have found the ideal house; it is compact with a pool and a spa and is close to the most amazing shopping centre which has cafes and restaurants.
There is a bus stop outside my door for travel further afield. The local Realtor has a buyer lined up to cash buy my house.
All that stands in the way is my indecision as my family is insisting I stay where I am as they intend to take over my house when I die.
They have even worked out the rates share between them.
As I am in good health they may have a long wait.

This home of mine is not a family home, that holds childhood memories for them.
My husband and I purchased it only five years before he died.

My friends have all moved back to the city as they found the isolation too great here as well.

Am I being selfish?


Aunty S responds

Of course you aren’t my dear, it is your house and you can do what you want with it.

I admire the fact you recognize you are lonely and want a change in your life.

To find a dream home and to have a Realtor with cash buyer is no mean feat. Well done.

Now all you have to do is go ahead!

It’s that easy.

Your kids have been a wee bit naughty in trying to bully you into staying put.

I won’t rave on as to how I feel about their behaviour but I think you can figure it out as to what I would say to them if given the opportunity which of course won’t happen as you live on the other side of the world so they won’t be coming into my Fruit Stall to tell me off or throw fruit at me for siding with their mother.

Life is about adapting to change.

Trust me I know this one.

Enjoy your new home.

rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

I have the opposite problem to the lady who wrote about her father being such a dreadful man.

My brother and his wife live a street away from our mother and they refuse to help her in anyway. I am overseas and have tried for over a year to get her to come and live with me but she doesn’t want to leave her home and friends which is fair enough.

My worry has been her home help hours are only two a week, which just isn’t enough. I had never thought of private home help till you wrote of it so will be organizing this as soon as possible.



Aunty S responds

What a wonderful daughter you are and I am very pleased to have been of assistance.

rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

I have just finished reading the story of the woman who has an abusive father.

This is my life except for one fact; it’s both my parents.

Their demands wear me out and I am intimidated and frightened of them even though I’m fifty years old.

I work fulltime and then my evenings are taken up cooking and cleaning for them.

They refuse to have home help even though I’ve offered to pay. I mow their lawn as they don’t want a stranger doing it.

I live in the same town as them and my husband and I constantly fight over our lack of time together, and my brother calls me a doormat. He is angry with me for not standing up to them and is prepared to go halves with me to pay for private home-care. I seem to have spent all of my life trying to make them like me so I suppose this is why I am their doormat.

I haven’t had a break from them in over twelve years.

I know my brother and husband are right but how do I break free?


Aunty S responds

Oh my darling girl, you can do it.

You are halfway there by writing to me.

You have spent a lifetime trying to win your parents love and respect at a huge cost to your health and now the relationship you have with your husband is strained.

Time to walk away my dear.

Folk will only change if they want too. I’m sorry but your parents don’t want to change.

Visit them with your brother and kindly tell them you can no longer cook and clean for them as you are worn out, and explain that private homecare and gardening which includes the lawn being mowed will be covered by both of you from this day on.

Don’t back down my darling.

I am only a click away.

quote 1 quote 2 quote 2

rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

My father is a cantankerous old man and his demands are wearing me out.

I visit him every Sunday and I can barely drive the two hours home as I am worn out especially by his verbal abuse as he barks at me continually and has me doing jobs even my husband would struggle with.

I pay for a housekeeper to go in five days a week to clean and prepare meals that are easy for him to either eat or reheat.

I also pay for his lawns and garden to be done once a week yet he continually whines and says I don’t do enough.

His Doctor rang and told me to look after my father better.

When I explained what I actually do for him, he apologized.

My father was vicious to my late mother and my brothers and they have nothing to do with him since her death so it’s only me to care for him.

As he drinks and gambles there is no money left over for rates so I pay them because if he’s made homeless he says he will come and live with me.

My husband and children refuse to visit him as they can’t cope with him. They constantly tell me to stand up to him but I can’t as he scares me which is embarrassing.

I am happy to keep paying for his home help, lawns and rates but I want to stop visiting him as I detest this man and I just can’t do Sunday visits anymore.

How do I tell him?


Aunty S responds

I have heard your story many times over and sadly we seem to only hear about the elderly who are neglected by their children through the media. We never hear the equally sad tales of the adult children who are abused and manipulated by their parents.

The solution in your case is very simple my darling; don’t go back.

I know you are afraid but he plays on your fear.

Thank goodness you haven’t exposed your children to him as this would be a form of abuse and ever so wrong.
I have a friend who is still traumatized by her childhood visits to her grandfather.
Her mother would cry all the way home after visiting him but insisted on doing the journey every fortnight.
She was a kind woman who had no idea at the time of the everlasting effect it would have on her children.
When she did put two and two together, she walked away with not even a backwards glance.
Of course there are many wonderful grandparents; that goes without saying.

There is a misconception that old age changes folk into mellowed angelic like beings. WRONG.

Now back to your father; write him a letter explaining that you will continue to pay for his private home help, lawns and rates but Sunday visits are now over. Make it short and sweet.

The fact that you are prepared to financially prop up your father is admirable but maybe a little misguided.

The home your father lives in is way too big for him and if he downsized he would have money to pay his own way. He is far from destitute and changing his car every year does make me smell a rat!!

You are a dear sweet girl who is being taken advantage of.

Contact me anytime my dear; I am only a click away.

P.S. You may in time decide to visit occasionally but please my dear if he starts verbally abusing you, walk away.

rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

My husband has taken a position in a ghastly small town without telling me and I don’t want to sell up and move as I could think of nothing worse than living in the country as I am a city girl.
I have lived in this house for twelve years and my gardens are exquisite as gardening is my second love after my family.

He says he is tired of working long hours to pay off our mortgages and wants to spend more time with the children and me.

He didn’t expect my negative reaction as he thought I’d be happy as our financial situation especially would drastically improve so now he is sad whilst I am angry.

I agree things have to change but not as drastic as moving us to the country.

Am I being unreasonable?


Aunty S responds

I am a country girl and could think of nothing worse than living in a city or a small town!

How about a compromise?

As your city home is a garden paradise, I checked out this small town, which by the way isn’t ghastly, and it so happens that there is a gorgeous house for sale set in a fantastic garden setting on the outskirts and it comes with a pool and a spa. The local school has an excellent reputation and is only a walk away.

You will be mortgage free and think of how this factor will impact positively on your lives.

I have sent you the details of the house.


Of course your husband should have told you how much he desperately wanted to escape the ‘mortgage drowning trap’ but he didn’t and now you must keep positive and show your kids you are willing to adapt to the changes that have been thrust upon you all.

Remember always his intentions were admirable as all he wanted was more family time and the mortgage noose around his neck, loosened.

You are a lucky girl my darling so count your blessings.

Hug him tight and reassure him that everything will be okay.

We are the stronger sex my dear.

rose border

Ask Aunty S


Dear Aunty S

My eighteen year old daughter is obsessed with Facebook selfies.

I would like your opinion so have attached some of them.

Her main theme is a sexy sultry seductive look in all states of undress.

We live in a small town and many have commented to me about by daughter’s online behaviour. My husband and I are sick with embarrassment and shame as she was brought up in a respectable family environment.

She is also belligerent and drinks to the excess during weekends.

She tells my husband and I to butt out of her life and says she can’t wait to leave at the beginning of next year for University and if we don’t shut up she will go to live with her friend as her friend’s mother has invited her to stay.

We don’t want to give up on her but are exhausted by her behaviour so your advice would be appreciated.


Aunty S responds:

Oh my dear girl.

What a resilient family you are to cope with such a wayward eighteen year old. She sounds like an immature thirteen year old!!

Tough love is needed in this situation as the information I have suppressed shows you have gone the extra mile.

If her friend’s mother will allow her to live with them until University starts, let her go.

Negotiate a board payment and cut it off when she leaves school later this year. You live in an area where there is work available during the school holidays so she won’t be destitute.

Remember if at any time she accepts her behaviour is unreasonable and apologizes, allow her home.

Now onto the Facebook selfies.

They are disgusting! No other way to describe them.

If she was looking for work in the sex industry (which she isn’t) whether it be prostitution or stripping, these photos would have her hired in a heartbeat!

If she was my daughter, I would probably weep with shame and lock myself in the broom cupboard for a week, only coming out for bathroom visits during the wee dark hours so you have every right to feel the way you do. Trust me you are not overreacting.

Don’t allow her to bully you any further.

Keep in touch my darling.

rose border

Ask Aunty S

askauntys2Dear Aunty S

My father wants to buy a Mercedes but my brother won’t let him as he says it is his inheritance he’s wasting. He is so cruel to Dad and has already taken valuable ornaments out of his house, which he says, Mum left to him even though we know this isn’t so.

He has Enduring power of Attorney over my Dad so my Dad feels he should do as he says.

My father is very upset as he has his heart set on this car because just before Mum died they’d chosen it together so they would have a reliable solid vehicle to tour the country in. He still wants to go ahead with their plan as we have relatives all over the country in both Islands. He has asked me to go with him, which has infuriated my brother even further.

Dad is sixty-seven and in good health but is grief stricken for Mum. He would never have taken this nonsense from my brother when Mum was alive.

Should I intervene?


Aunty S responds:

Of course you must intervene.

But first off your father must cancel the Enduring Power of Attorney.

He is of sound mind with no health issues and your brother is bullying him needlessly. Sadly I have heard this same kind of story many times.

How dare he dictate to your father as to what he can buy with his own money! He is a jumped up little sod.

Defend your Dad.

And as he is in good health and only sixty-seven, your brother may have to wait quite a while for the loot!

Take your Dad car shopping as soon as possible so he can fulfill his and your mothers dream and enjoy your holiday together my darling.

You are a wonderful daughter.

Keep me posted.

P.S. Make sure you visit the Zoo when in Auckland and just before you hit Whakatane, stop off at the Awakeri Hot Pools. Remember take your togs!

rose border