“If you ever catch fire, try to avoid looking into a mirror, because it might throw you into a panic.”

 

“PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.”

 

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for.
Unreturnable because all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so you’re stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing left to eat.
Sure, once in a while there’s a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they’re gone too fast and the taste is fleeting.
So you end up with up with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts.
If you’re desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.”

 

 

“A man with no arms should not look at a piano.”

Rizwan Haroon

 

“It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.”

Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub

 

“This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets.”

George Bernard Shaw

 

“I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak… In morse code.”

 

“I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.”

 

“Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don’t want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked….”

 

“PHILOSOPHY, n. A path of many roads leading from nothing to nowhere.”

 

“The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.”

 

“Friends come and friends go, but enemies accumulate.”

 

“Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.”

 

“Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.”

Churchill

 

 

 “If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it.”

 

 “A man being admitted into a mental institution: “They called me mad. I called them mad. And damn them they outvoted me.”

 

“Two Rules of Success : 1) Don’t tell everything you know.”

 

“Save the whales. Collect the whole set.”

 

“Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.”

Confucius

 

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

 

 

 

 

 

Our house will need a paint job some time in the near future so about three weeks ago we started checking out colours.
Do you realize these days there are hundreds and hundreds of colours to choose from with the most ridiculous of names?
What happened to khaki brown, light brown, dark brown, brown?
Oh and the names for black are truly amazing.
It’s black for Pete’s sake!
And I refuse to go down the testpot road.

Many years ago I had splashes of at least thirty testpots on a wall and in the end I went with none of them.

Yesterday I remembered what happened to a dear friend in Wellington when he decided to have his house painted.
He still claims he was mentally scarred from the experience of trying to work out a colour scheme as it took over six months of dithering before he finally made up his mind.
With the colour scheme sorted he rang the Painters and arranged for the job to be done whilst he was overseas on business.

He flew back into Wellington a month later and he was sure he saw a “dazzle” coming from the hills where his house is perched, as the plane descended.
Well he was right.
His house resembled a brightly decorated Xmas tree; a look he wasn’t aiming for at all.
It was bright and hideous with the contrasting trim so bizarre; one was simply lost for words. (To this day, I believe it was the vodka that chose the colours)

The painters must have laughed the whole way through the project.
And they must have been aware that this rich boy would be asking them to repaint as quick as look at you once he saw the abomination that was once his home.

Before my friend had a chance to put his key in the front door lock, his neighbours, who had been tentatively awaiting his return, ambushed him.
He listened to their fears, tears and horror and they to his; as it was obvious he was on their side, the situation was diffused ever so quickly.

Hence to say he gave me a ring and put the ball in my court as he was off overseas again the following week.
The colour scheme I chose still looks fabulous to this very day.

So the million-dollar question is, if I’m so good at choosing a paint scheme for someone else, why then can’t I pick one for our home?

That is the question I shall ponder until I come up with a solution.

What a 24 hours I have had!!!
No telephone and internet connection. Ah ah ah ah!!!!!!!
You may be wondering why.
Let me tell you why.
A bloke drove down the road in a height induced vehicle, hooked, and broke my telephone cable that hung across the road.
Did he stop and ask for my forgiveness for this violent act of accidental vandalism?
No he did not!
What did he do, I hear you ask.
This is what he did…absolutely nothing…he just tootled on his merry way…
I am expecting a dozen cream buns in my mailbox within the next twenty-four hours as way of an apology or I will be staring at your telephone pole with a deranged look in my eyes!
P.S. I hope you had a sleepless night worrying about Sandra’s inability to check the daily newspapers, weather updates, general gossip of overseas stars, Liam Neeson’s love life and more importantly, what if the end of this world occurred during this period of isolation from the world.
I would have been the last person to know and how would you have felt about that!!!

P.S.  Apparently a couple of you think that I am being seriously. I assure you that this is not the case as it is written as satire.
No worries though, I have contacted them and they have withdrawn their comments.