Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My father is heartbroken as he intended to leave the family home to my brother and had a Will made up over thirty years ago stating this but now his Lawyer has told him that legally he cannot favour one child as the others will have a legal right to break the Will and says he should make a new Will.
His father left my father in his Will and even though there were seven in the family; nobody was upset by the decision.
All my siblings are wealthy in their own right; all greatly assisted by my parents throughout the years so they want for nothing.
What should my father do as he is very upset by the harshness of his Lawyer who just happens to be the Lawyer for two of my siblings so surely there is a conflict of interest and I believe he should have pointed my Father in another lawyer’s direction?
Aunty S responds
An Estate only kicks in when one dies.
Quite simply, your father can do what he likes with his property and money up until his death.
Thank goodness he has a sensible daughter; trust me my dear I will put you on the right track so you can help your father achieve what he wants to happen when he dies.
First off, go back to the Family Lawyer or find a new one who will listen, and ‘Instruct’ said Lawyer to put the house into Joint Tenancy Ownership with your brother and father as owners. There is not too much paperwork involved.
A Joint Tenancy will see the property; when your father dies, transfer to your brother. The house will not be part of your father’s Estate so your siblings have no legal claim on it.
This is the only viable solution to your father’s dilemma.
There are two main types of ownership:
Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common.
Do not allow the Lawyer to convince your father to put the house into Tenants in Common as your father’s interest in the property would then be included in his Estate and your brother would end up being a co-owner instead of owning it outright which defeats the purpose of what your father wants to happen.
Hence the incorrect ownership structure of a property can have serious consequences.
Contact me if you need more info.
Note: I am referring to New Zealand Law.
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
I gave up work when my son was born but I really hate being home alone with my baby. I’m definitely not depressed, just lonely.
I tried going to a mother’s group but I was shocked by the immaturity of these silly little girls.
My husband says I should stay at home until our baby is at least three. I am starting to look at him different even though he is a wonderful husband and I really love him but he can’t see what the loneliness is doing to me.
I want to go back to work as I miss my job, which had been my life for ten years.
A really great daycare had been recommended and they can take my baby immediately.
Am I being selfish?
Aunty S responds
Oh my darling girl, you are not being selfish.
You are a brave wonderful young Mum with real feelings of anguish, which I understand.
Ring your Employer and tell him/her you can start immediately.
Ring the Daycare and book your darling baby in.
It is your call whether you go back to work not your husband’s. Don’t lose your identity.
Your husband is a good man; just a wee bit immature/naïve/silly/being a plonker/you love him/forgive his ignorance/love him to bits ……
Many women can’t face the loneliness of caring for a new baby.
In the old days mothers or kind mother-in-laws were there to offer support.
Those days are well and truly over as these older women are busy with their jobs/careers.
Mumsy groups have their place but they can suck the life out of you.
Personally I would rather burn holes in my toenails with a naked flame than attend one.
Remember always, your mental well-being is paramount.
You are not going down the depression black hole on my watch my dear.
Get to work!!
Wonderful song….wonderful folk
This brings back many memories.
Dare to Be
When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.
When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.
When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.
When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.
When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.
When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.
When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.
When times are tough, dare to be tougher.
When love hurts you, dare to love again.
When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.
When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.
When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.
When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.
When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.
When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.
Dare to be the best you can
Steve Maraboli
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My nineteen-year-old son has a cougar secret girlfriend and I have always kept my nose out of it because I thought she would get bored with him. Now she is pregnant and he is convinced it’s his as she has told him she doesn’t have a sexual relationship with her partner and only lives with him out of convenience as they have children together.
I am worried for my son as this could end up a mess.
Aunty S responds
Your son is a silly boy blinded by what she has to offer!
I doubt very much he is the father of her latest child and considering the fact your son is unemployed and lives at home, I highly doubt she will be giving up her obvious financial security to move into the back bedroom of your home with her kids.
When she does dump him, and considering your son’s obvious level of immaturity, ensure you have a bowl of candy nearby when he has a meltdown and then take him to McDonalds for a Happy Meal.
And remember at the end of the day he is just as responsible for this mess as she is.
March
A great Season so far except of course for one little hiccup with the majority of our Moorpark apricots being stolen during the dead of the night back in January.
We let a few folk into the block the day before PYO, of this variety, commenced; the alarm bells rang when they came back with a good pick but mentioned there wasn’t a lot left!!!!
The Moorpark block had been well and truly picked over in the middle, leaving the perimeter intact. Our neighbours below the River block, heard nothing so it looks like it would have been an early morning raid.
As the ladders had been strategically placed throughout the block for PYO, and the gate opened, the thief and his off-sider must have had smiles a mile wide!
I have a fair idea who it is but as I have no proof at this stage, nothing can be done.
Moorparks are a sought after variety of apricot, especially now Annabel Langbein has spoken so highly of them on her TV programme.
Sadly this wasn’t our very first brush with theft; a few weeks after the death of Alex; our Haven Peaches were pinched during the dead of night.
Since then, each and every Season, we’ve had trees stripped but nothing as grand as this.
Our Orchard security cameras are used in another area for an entirely different reason so it looks like we will be forking out for a few more.
This is our third Season hosting Wwoofers and what a great bunch we’ve had once again. Fine young folk from all around the World.
The starling and magpies have been up to their old tricks once again.
Big Bertha (bird cannon/scarer) is our very effective bird control method. She works, without complaint, through the daylight hours.
She managed to fit in a wee holiday after the pears finished but is now back in action as the apple crop is being hammered.
Hercules Flat is a great area to live in, with many wonderful ex-city folk; a wonderful diverse bunch; taking up residence here.
They recognize the need for bird scarers, sprayers, frost-fighting pumps, tractors and any other machinery associated with the running of the Orchard or else there wouldn’t be an ounce of fruit on the property.
Further north there are lifestylers moaning to the media and their respective Councils demanding/lobbying changes be made to the District Plan rules in a hope they will drive the Orchardists out of business because they “are sick of the noise.” This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. He couldn’t handle the stress and sold to a lifestyler as they just wore him down.
Thankfully these moaners are only a minority.
There are many fine folk who move to the country who embrace country living and are appalled by the shenanigans of a minority.
We ourselves had a shock a couple of months ago when a couple contacted the Police complaining we were using Big Bertha to harass them!!!
What!!!!!!
Obviously nothing came of it but what a cheek to make a false complaint!
They know fully well Bertha is used for bird control and furthermore is permitted under the Central Otago District Plan rules.
Our Orchard is only 17.5 acres and makes a ‘little toot’ sound compared with the larger Orchards.
I bet my bottom dollar they wouldn’t have taken them on!!!!!
The silly thing is, Bertha had been going for two months at that stage during daylight hours so somebody must have had a bad day and needed a bit of attention!!! Or a hug!
Now they have taken their nonsense into the public arena once again; they have inadvertently shown another one of their bullying tactics.
This is our livelihood; it’s not a hobby/lifestyle Orchard and it supports all of us so we won’t be driven out!
And as they had referred to Bertha as a shotgun many times in the past; it was such a relief to have them confirm her true identity to the Police so something positive came out it.
But Bertha is still very annoyed with them.
She’ll get used to them; we have.
Update: 1st May
Further to my post in the above blog where I describe how a false complaint was made to the Police about our ‘Bird Scarer’; well it now turns out the middle-aged couple forgot which story they were spinning and lodged a ‘Tractor Noise Complaint’ with the Council four days later, on 14 January!!
We only found out about the Complaint two days ago.
Even though the Complaint has been recorded on Council documents, thankfully we weren’t contacted as we were in the midst of a drought, our Moorparks had been stolen and we were busy picking, packing and selling our fruit varieties as they ripened!
Spare time is something we don’t have any of during the Fruit Season.
The bullies picked the best time of the year to try and disrupt us.
The ‘Award for Cleverness’ goes to them!!!
We now understand why they have been more creative in their harassment since then.
As there is never any need for us to go into this particular Council website, we would have been in the dark if it wasn’t for a certain gentleman, whom we had never met, perusing this site for information on a property along Teviot Road, when he put in our Rapid Number by mistake, as the numbers were similar, and low and behold, up popped our details.
He was going to click out but noticed the words “noise complaint” which aroused his interest.
He was shocked as it went on to say, “ Noise complaint regarding use of tractor to pump irrigation.”
He knows a bit about Orcharding so knew this was a malicious complaint as unbeknown to us, he knew of the ‘games’ the bullies had played with our livelihood both before and after Alex died.
Furthermore he knew of how they showed false concern after his death but couldn’t sustain this emotion for more than a few weeks before reversing back to their old sabotage ways, but this time they were caught by a third party.
They blamed us for their exposure and declared War!
They wouldn’t have tried this if Alex was alive!
Yesterday I told a group of supporters as to what happened back in January and was surprised to hear they all knew!
They were trying to protect us and had decided that we were to be told at the end of the Fruit Season.
They are wonderful kind folk as is our new-found friend.
We have the deepest respect for you all.
Feedback
Hi Sandra
Thanks for putting me onto The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.
Even though I have been reading your bully blogs this book gave me an added awakening and also to have a New Zealand connection in the book was a bit of a reality check.
My son has finished school and is in the workforce yet he is being bullied. I always assumed it was a kid’s thing so he was on his own with this for a year.
Your blogs show it’s not and so does all the other websites I’ve been on. Thanks for the links.
We finally validated our son’s feelings of despair last night which was long overdue, in a meeting which involved his Employer who thought something was wrong at work but was waiting for our son to talk to him. Thankfully, in this case, he had never been fooled by the Bully but knew he had a following in the workplace and was ostracizing our son but was not aware of the severity. In our case the situation is manageable, as it’s been brought to his attention.
Thanks again for your help.
You have my permission to include this in your blog.
V.M.
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My son fathered a child when he was twenty years old.
The girl involved moved away with her parents and now fifteen years later the mother and her daughter have moved back into our town and the girl is attending the same school as his children. They all look very similar so the connection will be made soon as everyone knew my son and the mother were going together for quite a long time.
His wife asked him whether he was the father many years ago after she heard rumours but he denied paternity and she believed him.
This woman should never have brought this girl back into our town and I believe she is here to make trouble.
How does he tell his wife and make her realize he was trying to protect her?
Aunty S responds:
I am not a fan of lies, deception and family secrets as they have a way of hurting innocent folk such as your daughter-in-law, as in this case, when exposed.
With the added information supplied, you should be proud of the way the mother of your eldest granddaughter has worked and cared for her throughout these years with absolutely no emotional or financial support from your son and she has every reason to move back to her home town so your theory she has done this to make trouble sounds rather far-fetched to me.
Now back to your son; at the end of the day, your son lied to his wife.
He did not lie to protect her; he lied to protect himself.
Your son should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for denying paternity and he better hope and pray his wife forgives him as she will obviously be devastated to find out she has been lied too.
Give your son a boot up his bottom if he drags his heels in telling her; for along with his wife there are precious young people caught up in his deceit and they need to hear from him and him alone that they have an older sister not from anybody else. They are going to have many questions and he needs to be honest with them.
No time to shilly-shally!
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My daughter’s work colleagues are mainly middle-aged women, and are bullying her.
Every night my daughter is in tears and tells me she wants to quit but I have insisted on her returning as she worked hard for the position she is in. To see her go from a confident young woman to an emotional wreck is hard to watch.
One of the women was passed over for her job, which is why they taunt, tease and threaten her on a daily basis. They say it’s only a matter of time before she is fired.
Her doctor has put on Prozac for the short term and says she needs to see a Counsellor to help empower her.
I have always said it was a bad idea but now I realize how desperate she is.
I don’t know how to help her and feel I have let her down.
What do you think?
Aunty S responds
Don’t be too hard on yourself my dear; you are obviously a caring and concerned Mum or you wouldn’t have written to me.
Your daughter’s Doctor is a wise man; he is handling the situation correctly as Prozac should only ever be used as a short-term fix, never as a way of life.
I’m afraid these dreadful women (bullies) have tipped your daughter over the edge, but she will gain the confidence to regain control of her life, with the assistance of a good Counsellor and the love and support of her family.
Personally I would rather work with a pack of wolves than a bunch of vicious middle-aged women.
Listen to your daughter, validate her feelings and support whatever decisions she makes.
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
When I began reading your old posting of a young man who stayed with you to recuperate after being bullied, I realized I had to share our story with you.
When our son left school he worked for an older man who bullied him everyday.
His father and I told him he was in the real world now and if he wanted to finish his apprenticeship he would have to take it. He walked off the job much to our disappointment after five months.
We never spoke to him for several years as his employer was a friend and he told us of how he gave him many chances even though he was belligerent and lazy at work. We felt so ashamed. We never doubted his word.
Five years later we found out he had driven a new apprentice to the brink of suicide after our son left and all other apprentices or workers had only lasted a few months. They all had been horrifically bullied.
We were devastated that we had been lied to.
We made contact with our son and apologized and thankfully he has forgiven us but we have wasted so many years being angry with him when it wasn’t his fault.
When we sat down and finally listened to him as to what happened, we were shocked; the bullying started from day one on the job and was an everyday occurrence. His employer would scream abuse over anything; if he couldn’t find a tool, it was my sons fault and would shoulder charge him and scream into his ear that he was useless just like his father. The list goes on. The hardest one to listen to was when he described how he would play practical jokes on him endangering his life on many occasions.
I hope other parents read this and will listen to their son’s if they talk of being bullied in the workplace.
Our son survived with no help from us and some days I can hardly live with myself for what I did to my son. My husband’s guilt brought on a heart attack and he often cries with shame.
Everything you wrote about a bully is so true.
Aunty S responds
Sadly, since first broaching the subject of bullying a year ago, I have heard many similar stories.
Thank you my dear for sharing your story and your son’s story. I acknowledge how hard it would have been to put this into print.
Six years ago workplace bullying was never mentioned so you were in the dark as to how manipulative a ‘bully’ employer could be.
Of course, through your naivety, you let your son down but you have a second chance; some parents do not.
I can only imagine the guilt you are living with.
But let’s take a good look at the situation.
From where I am sitting, it appears all three of you were victims.
Yes your son suffered the most but he was courageous and walked. On his own, he convinced another employer in the same trade, to take him on so he could complete his apprenticeship. How proud you must be of him.
You were lied to and manipulated by your friend into believing the worst of your son. An excellent bullying tactic!
Only time will heal your hearts but try hard to forgive yourselves; your son has.
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