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Hi Sandra
Thanks for putting me onto The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.
Even though I have been reading your bully blogs this book gave me an added awakening and also to have a New Zealand connection in the book was a bit of a reality check.
My son has finished school and is in the workforce yet he is being bullied. I always assumed it was a kid’s thing so he was on his own with this for a year.
Your blogs show it’s not and so does all the other websites I’ve been on. Thanks for the links.
We finally validated our son’s feelings of despair last night which was long overdue, in a meeting which involved his Employer who thought something was wrong at work but was waiting for our son to talk to him. Thankfully, in this case, he had never been fooled by the Bully but knew he had a following in the workplace and was ostracizing our son but was not aware of the severity. In our case the situation is manageable, as it’s been brought to his attention.
Thanks again for your help.
You have my permission to include this in your blog.
V.M.
More on Bullying – 18 March
Bullying is a form of abuse.
The bully’s main aim is to intimidate, humiliate and discredit their target/victim.
Bullies rely on character assassination, outright lies, rumours and innuendo to isolate and destroy their target/victim’s credibility and this is where the bystanders/followers fit into their game plan.
Bullies must have followers, so they deliberately cultivate people in their community who, in their eyes, are easy to manipulate. Folk who will readily accept what is said with out question; there is a prerequisite though; they must have the ability to gossip and lie.
The bully then sits back and gains gratification from seeing them do some of his dirty work.
The anger of a bully is very apparent when they try and manipulate the wrong person; who challenges what they say. Panic sets in. They will bluster even to the extent of having tears well up, to try and sway the doubter. They must preserve their image no matter what.
Being exposed is what they fear the most and will often add onto the original lie to shock folk.
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Bullies are opportunists; they tend to prey on people who they perceive as a threat, dislike, or are jealous of.
Bullies also target people who are popular, hard working and well liked. The more well liked and competent they are, the bigger the threat they perceive them to be.
Bullies also target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity as a bully has neither of these attributes.
Bullies are often racist and have a dislike for the handicapped members of society even though they will, in the public arena, pretend they are fine with them. Behind closed doors it’s a different matter entirely.
More on the traits of a bully next time.
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Ruby
When my daughter, Ruby, decided at the wise old age of age of eight that she wanted to work with families when she ‘grew up’ I found ‘Kids are Worth It’ by Barbara Coloroso in a Bookshop in Queenstown.
Reading began on the journey home that evening.
She was thrilled with my find and especially more so when she discovered a few pages into the book that this book backed up my own personal parenting style!
A sheer fluke as I had never read the book!
A few days later whilst at the breakfast table, Ruby proudly informed me that there were three types of parents; Brickwall, Jellyfish and Backbone.
“And you are a backbone parent Mum.”
A proud moment for me!
With each year of maturity Ruby gained more out of the book.
Child Psychology totally captivated her hence the subject was incorporated into our Home School Curriculum.
Every parent and grandparent should have, “Kids are Worth It” in their home library along with another book that Barbara has written ‘The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander.’
Both books will enhance your ability and confidence to parent effectively.
“Compliant children are very easily led when they are young, because they thrive on approval and pleasing adults.
They are just as easily led in their teen years, because they still seek the same two things: approval and pleasing their peers.
Strong-willed children are never easily led by anybody–not by you, but also not by their peers.
So celebrate your child’s ‘strength of will’ throughout the early years…and know that the independent thinking you are fostering will serve him well in the critical years to come”
Barbara Coloroso
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