“If you ever catch fire, try to avoid looking into a mirror, because it might throw you into a panic.”

 

“PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.”

 

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for.
Unreturnable because all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so you’re stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing left to eat.
Sure, once in a while there’s a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they’re gone too fast and the taste is fleeting.
So you end up with up with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts.
If you’re desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.”

 

 

“A man with no arms should not look at a piano.”

Rizwan Haroon

 

“It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.”

Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub

 

“This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets.”

George Bernard Shaw

 

“I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak… In morse code.”

 

“I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.”

 

“Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don’t want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked….”

 

“PHILOSOPHY, n. A path of many roads leading from nothing to nowhere.”

 

“The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.”

 

“Friends come and friends go, but enemies accumulate.”

 

“Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.”

 

“Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.”

Churchill

 

 

 “If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it.”

 

 “A man being admitted into a mental institution: “They called me mad. I called them mad. And damn them they outvoted me.”

 

“Two Rules of Success : 1) Don’t tell everything you know.”

 

“Save the whales. Collect the whole set.”

 

“Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.”

Confucius

 

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”