Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My son fathered a child when he was twenty years old.
The girl involved moved away with her parents and now fifteen years later the mother and her daughter have moved back into our town and the girl is attending the same school as his children. They all look very similar so the connection will be made soon as everyone knew my son and the mother were going together for quite a long time.
His wife asked him whether he was the father many years ago after she heard rumours but he denied paternity and she believed him.
This woman should never have brought this girl back into our town and I believe she is here to make trouble.
How does he tell his wife and make her realize he was trying to protect her?
Aunty S responds:
I am not a fan of lies, deception and family secrets as they have a way of hurting innocent folk such as your daughter-in-law, as in this case, when exposed.
With the added information supplied, you should be proud of the way the mother of your eldest granddaughter has worked and cared for her throughout these years with absolutely no emotional or financial support from your son and she has every reason to move back to her home town so your theory she has done this to make trouble sounds rather far-fetched to me.
Now back to your son; at the end of the day, your son lied to his wife.
He did not lie to protect her; he lied to protect himself.
Your son should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for denying paternity and he better hope and pray his wife forgives him as she will obviously be devastated to find out she has been lied too.
Give your son a boot up his bottom if he drags his heels in telling her; for along with his wife there are precious young people caught up in his deceit and they need to hear from him and him alone that they have an older sister not from anybody else. They are going to have many questions and he needs to be honest with them.
No time to shilly-shally!
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
My daughter’s work colleagues are mainly middle-aged women, and are bullying her.
Every night my daughter is in tears and tells me she wants to quit but I have insisted on her returning as she worked hard for the position she is in. To see her go from a confident young woman to an emotional wreck is hard to watch.
One of the women was passed over for her job, which is why they taunt, tease and threaten her on a daily basis. They say it’s only a matter of time before she is fired.
Her doctor has put on Prozac for the short term and says she needs to see a Counsellor to help empower her.
I have always said it was a bad idea but now I realize how desperate she is.
I don’t know how to help her and feel I have let her down.
What do you think?
Aunty S responds
Don’t be too hard on yourself my dear; you are obviously a caring and concerned Mum or you wouldn’t have written to me.
Your daughter’s Doctor is a wise man; he is handling the situation correctly as Prozac should only ever be used as a short-term fix, never as a way of life.
I’m afraid these dreadful women (bullies) have tipped your daughter over the edge, but she will gain the confidence to regain control of her life, with the assistance of a good Counsellor and the love and support of her family.
Personally I would rather work with a pack of wolves than a bunch of vicious middle-aged women.
Listen to your daughter, validate her feelings and support whatever decisions she makes.
Ask Aunty S
Dear Aunty S
When I began reading your old posting of a young man who stayed with you to recuperate after being bullied, I realized I had to share our story with you.
When our son left school he worked for an older man who bullied him everyday.
His father and I told him he was in the real world now and if he wanted to finish his apprenticeship he would have to take it. He walked off the job much to our disappointment after five months.
We never spoke to him for several years as his employer was a friend and he told us of how he gave him many chances even though he was belligerent and lazy at work. We felt so ashamed. We never doubted his word.
Five years later we found out he had driven a new apprentice to the brink of suicide after our son left and all other apprentices or workers had only lasted a few months. They all had been horrifically bullied.
We were devastated that we had been lied to.
We made contact with our son and apologized and thankfully he has forgiven us but we have wasted so many years being angry with him when it wasn’t his fault.
When we sat down and finally listened to him as to what happened, we were shocked; the bullying started from day one on the job and was an everyday occurrence. His employer would scream abuse over anything; if he couldn’t find a tool, it was my sons fault and would shoulder charge him and scream into his ear that he was useless just like his father. The list goes on. The hardest one to listen to was when he described how he would play practical jokes on him endangering his life on many occasions.
I hope other parents read this and will listen to their son’s if they talk of being bullied in the workplace.
Our son survived with no help from us and some days I can hardly live with myself for what I did to my son. My husband’s guilt brought on a heart attack and he often cries with shame.
Everything you wrote about a bully is so true.
Aunty S responds
Sadly, since first broaching the subject of bullying a year ago, I have heard many similar stories.
Thank you my dear for sharing your story and your son’s story. I acknowledge how hard it would have been to put this into print.
Six years ago workplace bullying was never mentioned so you were in the dark as to how manipulative a ‘bully’ employer could be.
Of course, through your naivety, you let your son down but you have a second chance; some parents do not.
I can only imagine the guilt you are living with.
But let’s take a good look at the situation.
From where I am sitting, it appears all three of you were victims.
Yes your son suffered the most but he was courageous and walked. On his own, he convinced another employer in the same trade, to take him on so he could complete his apprenticeship. How proud you must be of him.
You were lied to and manipulated by your friend into believing the worst of your son. An excellent bullying tactic!
Only time will heal your hearts but try hard to forgive yourselves; your son has.
Barbara Coloroso Quotes
“Compliant children are very easily led when they are young, because they thrive on approval and pleasing adults. They are just as easily led in their teen years, because they still seek the same two things: approval and the pleasing their peers. Strong-willed children are never easily led by anybody–not by you, but also not by their peers. So celebrate your child’s strength of will throughout the early years…and know that the independent thinking you are fostering will serve him well in the critical years to come.”
“If we parents accept that problems are an essential part of life’s challenges, rather than reacting to every problem as if something has gone wrong with the universe that’s supposed to be perfect, we can demonstrate serenity and confidence in problem solving for our kids….By telling them that we know they have a problem and we know they can solve it, we can pass on a realistic attitude as well as empower our children with self-confidence and a sense of their own worth.”
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