Dear Aunty S

When I began reading your old posting of a young man who stayed with you to recuperate after being bullied, I realized I had to share our story with you.

When our son left school he worked for an older man who bullied him everyday.

His father and I told him he was in the real world now and if he wanted to finish his apprenticeship he would have to take it. He walked off the job much to our disappointment after five months.

We never spoke to him for several years as his employer was a friend and he told us of how he gave him many chances even though he was belligerent and lazy at work. We felt so ashamed.  We never doubted his word.

Five years later we found out he had driven a new apprentice to the brink of suicide after our son left and all other apprentices or workers had only lasted a few months. They all had been horrifically bullied.

We were devastated that we had been lied to.

We made contact with our son and apologized and thankfully he has forgiven us but we have wasted so many years being angry with him when it wasn’t his fault.

When we sat down and finally listened to him as to what happened, we were shocked; the bullying started from day one on the job and was an everyday occurrence. His employer would scream abuse over anything; if he couldn’t find a tool, it was my sons fault and would shoulder charge him and scream into his ear that he was useless just like his father. The list goes on. The hardest one to listen to was when he described how he would play practical jokes on him endangering his life on many occasions.

I hope other parents read this and will listen to their son’s if they talk of being bullied in the workplace.

Our son survived with no help from us and some days I can hardly live with myself for what I did to my son. My husband’s guilt brought on a heart attack and he often cries with shame.

Everything you wrote about a bully is so true.

Aunty S responds

Sadly, since first broaching the subject of bullying a year ago, I have heard many similar stories.

Thank you my dear for sharing your story and your son’s story. I acknowledge how hard it would have been to put this into print.

Six years ago workplace bullying was never mentioned so you were in the dark as to how manipulative a ‘bully’ employer could be.

Of course, through your naivety, you let your son down but you have a second chance; some parents do not.

I can only imagine the guilt you are living with.

But let’s take a good look at the situation.

From where I am sitting, it appears all three of you were victims.

Yes your son suffered the most but he was courageous and walked.   On his own, he convinced another employer in the same trade, to take him on so he could complete his apprenticeship. How proud you must be of him.

You were lied to and manipulated by your friend into believing the worst of your son. An excellent bullying tactic!

Only time will heal your hearts but try hard to forgive yourselves; your son has.

Dear Aunty S

I have just finished reading about the grumpy old parents who by the way should be ashamed of themselves so I thought I’d tell of my problem. It’s not my parent or parents; it’s my kids.

I’m a widow and live in a huge beachfront property which is far too big for me these days since my husband died.
I am very lonely and desperately want to sell and move to where I can visit restaurants, take in Shows, shop and enjoy the company of my friends.
I have found the ideal house; it is compact with a pool and a spa and is close to the most amazing shopping centre which has cafes and restaurants.
There is a bus stop outside my door for travel further afield. The local Realtor has a buyer lined up to cash buy my house.
All that stands in the way is my indecision as my family is insisting I stay where I am as they intend to take over my house when I die.
They have even worked out the rates share between them.
As I am in good health they may have a long wait.

This home of mine is not a family home, that holds childhood memories for them.
My husband and I purchased it only five years before he died.

My friends have all moved back to the city as they found the isolation too great here as well.

Am I being selfish?

Aunty S responds

Of course you aren’t my dear, it is your house and you can do what you want with it.

I admire the fact you recognize you are lonely and want a change in your life.

To find a dream home and to have a Realtor with cash buyer is no mean feat. Well done.

Now all you have to do is go ahead!

It’s that easy.

Your kids have been a wee bit naughty in trying to bully you into staying put.

I won’t rave on as to how I feel about their behaviour but I think you can figure it out as to what I would say to them if given the opportunity which of course won’t happen as you live on the other side of the world so they won’t be coming into my Fruit Stall to tell me off or throw fruit at me for siding with their mother.

Life is about adapting to change.

Trust me I know this one.

Enjoy your new home.

Dear Aunty S

I have just finished reading the story of the woman who has an abusive father.

This is my life except for one fact; it’s both my parents.

Their demands wear me out and I am intimidated and frightened of them even though I’m fifty years old.

I work fulltime and then my evenings are taken up cooking and cleaning for them.

They refuse to have home help even though I’ve offered to pay. I mow their lawn as they don’t want a stranger doing it.

I live in the same town as them and my husband and I constantly fight over our lack of time together, and my brother calls me a doormat. He is angry with me for not standing up to them and is prepared to go halves with me to pay for private home-care. I seem to have spent all of my life trying to make them like me so I suppose this is why I am their doormat.

I haven’t had a break from them in over twelve years.

I know my brother and husband are right but how do I break free?

Aunty S responds

Oh my darling girl, you can do it.

You are halfway there by writing to me.

You have spent a lifetime trying to win your parents love and respect at a huge cost to your health and now the relationship you have with your husband is strained.

Time to walk away my dear.

Folk will only change if they want too. I’m sorry but your parents don’t want to change.

Visit them with your brother and kindly tell them you can no longer cook and clean for them as you are worn out, and explain that private homecare and gardening which includes the lawn being mowed will be covered by both of you from this day on.

Don’t back down my darling.

I am only a click away.