Ask Aunty S

Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

My brother in law and I are in love and we intend to move to Australia to start a new life.

He is leaving his kids with his wife but we are keeping mine.

My husband says he will stop us from taking the kids out of the country and now they are saying they don’t want to go and want to live with him permanent.

My partner says he will go ahead of time as he needs to find a job but I don’t want him to go without us.

What should I do?

 

Aunty S responds

Why not leave the kids with your husband; go off with your boyfriend and see how it works out.

Your children are old enough to know what they want and it appears they don’t want to leave their Dad.

Over and out.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

My father is heartbroken as he intended to leave the family home to my brother and had a Will made up over thirty years ago stating this but now his Lawyer has told him that legally he cannot favour one child as the others will have a legal right to break the Will and says he should make a new Will.

His father left my father in his Will and even though there were seven in the family; nobody was upset by the decision.

All my siblings are wealthy in their own right; all greatly assisted by my parents throughout the years so they want for nothing.

What should my father do as he is very upset by the harshness of his Lawyer who just happens to be the Lawyer for two of my siblings so surely there is a conflict of interest and I believe he should have pointed my Father in another lawyer’s direction?

 

Aunty S responds

 

An Estate only kicks in when one dies.

Quite simply, your father can do what he likes with his property and money up until his death.

Thank goodness he has a sensible daughter; trust me my dear I will put you on the right track so you can help your father achieve what he wants to happen when he dies.

 

First off, go back to the Family Lawyer or find a new one who will listen, and ‘Instruct’ said Lawyer to put the house into Joint Tenancy Ownership with your brother and father as owners.  There is not too much paperwork involved.

A Joint Tenancy will see the property; when your father dies, transfer to your brother. The house will not be part of your father’s Estate so your siblings have no legal claim on it.

This is the only viable solution to your father’s dilemma.

There are two main types of ownership:

Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common.

Do not allow the Lawyer to convince your father to put the house into Tenants in Common as your father’s interest in the property would then be included in his Estate and your brother would end up being a co-owner instead of owning it outright which defeats the purpose of what your father wants to happen.

Hence the incorrect ownership structure of a property can have serious consequences.

Contact me if you need more info.

Note: I am referring to New Zealand Law.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

I gave up work when my son was born but I really hate being home alone with my baby. I’m definitely not depressed, just lonely.

I tried going to a mother’s group but I was shocked by the immaturity of these silly little girls.

My husband says I should stay at home until our baby is at least three. I am starting to look at him different even though he is a wonderful husband and I really love him but he can’t see what the loneliness is doing to me.

I want to go back to work as I miss my job, which had been my life for ten years.

A really great daycare had been recommended and they can take my baby immediately.

Am I being selfish?

 

Aunty S responds

Oh my darling girl, you are not being selfish.

You are a brave wonderful young Mum with real feelings of anguish, which I understand.

Ring your Employer and tell him/her you can start immediately.

Ring the Daycare and book your darling baby in.

It is your call whether you go back to work not your husband’s. Don’t lose your identity.

Your husband is a good man; just a wee bit immature/naïve/silly/being a plonker/you love him/forgive his ignorance/love him to bits ……

Many women can’t face the loneliness of caring for a new baby.

In the old days mothers or kind mother-in-laws were there to offer support.

Those days are well and truly over as these older women are busy with their jobs/careers.

Mumsy groups have their place but they can suck the life out of you.
Personally I would rather burn holes in my toenails with a naked flame than attend one.

Remember always, your mental well-being is paramount.

You are not going down the depression black hole on my watch my dear.

Get to work!!

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Ask Aunty S

 

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

When I was widowed a few years ago, life was very difficult as my husband left huge debts.

If he had lived there would have been no issue as he always worked with a high debt load and some how managed to get through.

I decided to mortgage my house to pay them off and then worked two jobs to be mortgage free again as quickly as possible.

Now the mortgage is finally paid off I decided to sell up and move as I was offered a small fortune for my home, which I accepted, which means the rest of my life will be financially secure.

I have a problem now as my son is demanding I lend him over a hundred thousand dollars and he says he will pay a good interest rate.

I have told him I won’t be lending him a cent as we loaned him more than that many years ago so he could start up a business and he never paid us back a cent.

He walked away from me when my husband died when he found out I was in financial trouble.

How do I stop him harassing me?

Am I being selfish?

 

Aunty S responds

No my dear girl you are not being selfish.

You are a wise woman and quite simply you cannot afford to risk your financial future so tell him that your Lawyer has advised you very strongly not to make a family loan at your age.

I advise many folk to use this ‘little white lie’ as it works every time.

I am sure he will back off and you will probably see the smoke from his spinning tyres as he drives ever so fast down your driveway after you tell him..

He walked out of your life when your husband died so he can’t really hurt you anymore.

Enjoy your new life.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

 

Dear Aunty S

My nineteen-year-old son has a cougar secret girlfriend and I have always kept my nose out of it because I thought she would get bored with him. Now she is pregnant and he is convinced it’s his as she has told him she doesn’t have a sexual relationship with her partner and only lives with him out of convenience as they have children together.

I am worried for my son as this could end up a mess.

 

Aunty S responds

Your son is a silly boy blinded by what she has to offer!

I doubt very much he is the father of her latest child and considering the fact your son is unemployed and lives at home, I highly doubt she will be giving up her obvious financial security to move into the back bedroom of your home with her kids.

When she does dump him, and considering your son’s obvious level of immaturity, ensure you have a bowl of candy nearby when he has a meltdown and then take him to McDonalds for a Happy Meal.

And remember at the end of the day he is just as responsible for this mess as she is.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

My wife doesn’t like my mother and flatly refuses to allow her to stay in our home when she visits which is once a year. I always make an excuse and take her on a trip to visit relatives with only one day back at our home before she flies out.

I have put my foot down after many years and told her my mother will stay in our home and she has told me she’ll fly out with the kids if she stays. I am sick of having to visit the relatives with her and feel I am right on this matter.

What do you think?

 

Aunty S responds :

Suck it in mate!

She is your mother and your responsibility.

You have a good system that has stood the test of time so why change things?

From the added info I doubt I’d let her stay in my house either if she was my mother in law and I am damn sure I wouldn’t let her around my kids.

You have a very tolerant understanding wife.

Give her a hug, apologize, and act like a man, not a spineless wonder.

Over and out.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

 

My son fathered a child when he was twenty years old.

The girl involved moved away with her parents and now fifteen years later the mother and her daughter have moved back into our town and the girl is attending the same school as his children. They all look very similar so the connection will be made soon as everyone knew my son and the mother were going together for quite a long time.

His wife asked him whether he was the father many years ago after she heard rumours but he denied paternity and she believed him.

This woman should never have brought this girl back into our town and I believe she is here to make trouble.

How does he tell his wife and make her realize he was trying to protect her?

 

 

Aunty S responds:

 

 

I am not a fan of lies, deception and family secrets as they have a way of hurting innocent folk such as your daughter-in-law, as in this case, when exposed.

With the added information supplied, you should be proud of the way the mother of your eldest granddaughter has worked and cared for her throughout these years with absolutely no emotional or financial support from your son and she has every reason to move back to her home town so your theory she has done this to make trouble sounds rather far-fetched to me.

Now back to your son; at the end of the day, your son lied to his wife.

He did not lie to protect her; he lied to protect himself.

Your son should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for denying paternity and he better hope and pray his wife forgives him as she will obviously be devastated to find out she has been lied too.

Give your son a boot up his bottom if he drags his heels in telling her; for along with his wife there are precious young people caught up in his deceit and they need to hear from him and him alone that they have an older sister not from anybody else. They are going to have many questions and he needs to be honest with them.

No time to shilly-shally!

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

My daughter’s work colleagues are mainly middle-aged women, and are bullying her.

Every night my daughter is in tears and tells me she wants to quit but I have insisted on her returning as she worked hard for the position she is in. To see her go from a confident young woman to an emotional wreck is hard to watch.

One of the women was passed over for her job, which is why they taunt, tease and threaten her on a daily basis. They say it’s only a matter of time before she is fired.

Her doctor has put on Prozac for the short term and says she needs to see a Counsellor to help empower her.

I have always said it was a bad idea but now I realize how desperate she is.

I don’t know how to help her and feel I have let her down.

What do you think?

 

Aunty S responds

Don’t be too hard on yourself my dear; you are obviously a caring and concerned Mum or you wouldn’t have written to me.

Your daughter’s Doctor is a wise man; he is handling the situation correctly as Prozac should only ever be used as a short-term fix, never as a way of life.

I’m afraid these dreadful women (bullies) have tipped your daughter over the edge, but she will gain the confidence to regain control of her life, with the assistance of a good Counsellor and the love and support of her family.

Personally I would rather work with a pack of wolves than a bunch of vicious middle-aged women.

Listen to your daughter, validate her feelings and support whatever decisions she makes.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S

When I began reading your old posting of a young man who stayed with you to recuperate after being bullied, I realized I had to share our story with you.

When our son left school he worked for an older man who bullied him everyday.

His father and I told him he was in the real world now and if he wanted to finish his apprenticeship he would have to take it. He walked off the job much to our disappointment after five months.

We never spoke to him for several years as his employer was a friend and he told us of how he gave him many chances even though he was belligerent and lazy at work. We felt so ashamed.  We never doubted his word.

Five years later we found out he had driven a new apprentice to the brink of suicide after our son left and all other apprentices or workers had only lasted a few months. They all had been horrifically bullied.

We were devastated that we had been lied to.

We made contact with our son and apologized and thankfully he has forgiven us but we have wasted so many years being angry with him when it wasn’t his fault.

When we sat down and finally listened to him as to what happened, we were shocked; the bullying started from day one on the job and was an everyday occurrence. His employer would scream abuse over anything; if he couldn’t find a tool, it was my sons fault and would shoulder charge him and scream into his ear that he was useless just like his father. The list goes on. The hardest one to listen to was when he described how he would play practical jokes on him endangering his life on many occasions.

I hope other parents read this and will listen to their son’s if they talk of being bullied in the workplace.

Our son survived with no help from us and some days I can hardly live with myself for what I did to my son. My husband’s guilt brought on a heart attack and he often cries with shame.

Everything you wrote about a bully is so true.

 

Aunty S responds

 

Sadly, since first broaching the subject of bullying a year ago, I have heard many similar stories.

Thank you my dear for sharing your story and your son’s story. I acknowledge how hard it would have been to put this into print.

Six years ago workplace bullying was never mentioned so you were in the dark as to how manipulative a ‘bully’ employer could be.

Of course, through your naivety, you let your son down but you have a second chance; some parents do not.

I can only imagine the guilt you are living with.

But let’s take a good look at the situation.

From where I am sitting, it appears all three of you were victims.

Yes your son suffered the most but he was courageous and walked.   On his own, he convinced another employer in the same trade, to take him on so he could complete his apprenticeship. How proud you must be of him.

You were lied to and manipulated by your friend into believing the worst of your son. An excellent bullying tactic!

Only time will heal your hearts but try hard to forgive yourselves; your son has.

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Ask Aunty S

askauntys2

Dear Aunty S:

My mother is in the early stage of dementia and as we are very close we’ve decided she should come to live with me now as she is very lonely and living together would solve this issue and then I will be her caregiver when she eventually requires one which the Doctor has assured us is a long way away. My dominating older sister wants to put her in into a Home now and move into her house. She has Enduring Power Of Attorney and she has told me I have no rights. My mother is devastated.

My Mum wants to go to Court to have the Enduring Power of Attorney overturned and my sister has told her she cannot do this, as the document is legal and binding. Do you think a Court would side with my sister?

My sister has already given notice on her rented house as she will be moving into Mum’s as soon as she moves her into a Home which is only weeks away.

Mum only gave my sister EPO because she is the eldest child and my father was old school and instructed my mother to do so even though she wanted to give it to me.

 

Aunty S responds:

What a little treasure your sister is!

Good news though; no need for Court my dear as your mother has only recently been diagnosed and with no major mental deterioration occurring as yet, she can cancel the Enduring Power Of Attorney.

Make an emergency appointment for today with your mothers Lawyer and you girls tell him what your sister/daughter is up too and I am sure he will set the wheels in motion immediately. He can email your sister a Revocation of the EPO as soon as your mother signs it.

Enjoy your life together and ignore any backlash from your sister.

She is a bully and the best way to treat a bully is not to engage, as that is what they want. Trust me, I know.

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